


Shipjammed: A Space Opera in Three Unfortunate Parts

by Cephied_Variable



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-04-02
Updated: 2011-04-02
Packaged: 2017-10-17 11:26:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/176370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cephied_Variable/pseuds/Cephied_Variable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After SBURB, the kids are stranded on a newly restored Alternia where they are forced to deal with all kinds of terrible, crazy alien crap like troll dating and getting shot with laser guns and intergalactic freedom movements. In space, no one can hear you be ironic. [IMAGE HEAVY]</p><p>NOTE: BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE ENTIRE THING WHILE UPDATING WITH THE NEWEST CHAPTER. PLEASE UPDATE YOUR BOOKMARKS. :C</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. == REVELS: begin, FIRES: be started

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the [kink meme](http://community.livejournal.com/homesmut/4645.html?thread=1232677#t1232677) (where I'll still be posting updates as I write/draw them).
> 
>  _"For some reason, it's Alternia that's restored and the humans are forced to somehow integrate into unforgiving troll society."_
> 
> BECAUSE I AM THE BIGGEST MORON, I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THIS MEANING I LOST ALL YOUR LOVELY REVIEWS AND PROBABLY FUCKED UP SOME PEOPLE'S BOOKMARKS.
> 
> I APOLOGIZE, but uh, to make up for it this edition comes complete with FANART:
> 
> [Dave, by Anon](http://postimage.org/image/srzqw2g4/)  
> [Pirate John, by fearnoanvil](http://i456.photobucket.com/albums/qq290/kuroupouri/fanart.jpg)  
> [Dave and Terezi, by urban_anchorite with colouring by me](http://i56.tinypic.com/14cfxqu.png) also has an alt [SBaHJified version](http://i52.tinypic.com/fyemfs.jpg)  
> [The Prophet Sollux, by Hez](http://i56.tinypic.com/2cmrz93.jpg)
> 
> aaaaand, some ["Official" art of Dave and Terezi](http://i55.tinypic.com/2u9pd94.png) by me.
> 
> Sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for reading the (sigh accidentally) new and improved Shipjammed!
> 
> (and by new and improved I mean that this version has some minor formatting errors that might take me a few days to fix since it was re-posted off the giant, unbroken wall of HTML AO3 kindly sent me and any attempt to fix these errors will apparently require me to re-code the entire chapter?)

br/>

\-- tablesturnedGodhand [TG] contacted citizenGogdammnit [CG] \--

TG: i cannot even fucking believe this was your plan

  


Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you are THIS MAD.

You are 8.7 solar sweeps old. You have a number of interests which include such things as STAYING ALIVE, LIVING and maybe even SURVIVAL. When you were younger you aspired to join the ranks of the THRESECUTIONERS, however recently you spend most of your time fighting Thresecutioners instead. This could be considered dramatic irony but you would rather refer to it as your LIFE.

2.7 solar sweeps ago you were talked into playing a game called SGRUB. This game ruined your life in just about eve  
ry way possible. It's actually really quite amazing- a fucking work of art painted with a varied rainbow of bullshit and set to a soundtrack cobbled together from a cacophony of your worst nightmares. To make a long story short you are now the LEADER of a resistance against your own government. How you got here is a LONG AND CONVOLUTED STORY that would probably take well over five thousand pages of animated gifs to document. Suffice to say this story was also filled with BULLSHIT and you would rather not talk about it.

You unfortunately suffered a grievous injury some time ago that generously liberated your left eye from your face. Instead of getting a FUNCTIONAL YET COMPLETELY AWESOME ROBOT PROSTHETIC you wear an eyepatch because a human friend of yours (for whom you have never harboured awkward emotions caliginous or concupiscent) told you that it looked "kind of cool!!" and also "sort of like ni  
ck fury!"

Whoever that is.

\-- citizenGogdammnit [CG] answered tablesturnedGodhand [TG] \--

CG: WHAT PART OF 'MAINTAIN RADIO SILENCE' ARE YOU NOT GETTING HERE, STRIDER? I UNDERSTAND THAT BASIC REASONING IS DIFFICULT FOR YOUR FEEBLE SYNAPSES AT THE BEST OF TIMES BUT I MADE THIS ONE PRETTY FUCKING CLEAR. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE? SITTING AROUND TWIDDLING YOUR PALE HUMAN DIGITS WITH YOUR VILE REPRODUCTIVE HOSE SHOVED UP YOUR NOSTRIL?  
TG: yeah what you just said there  
TG: is basically the fantasy of every human male ever  
TG: by which i mean me and john i guess  
TG: because everyone else is dead  
TG: if i could get my dick up as far as my nose i sure as hell  
wouldn't be here getting shot at with lazer guns  
TG: shame too  
TG: nostril masturbation  
TG: totally untapped market  
CG: WOW. ON A LIST OF THINGS I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT AND DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT IS PRETTY HIGH ON THE FUCKING LIST. WE'RE TALKING INTO GOGDAMNED INTEGERS HERE, STRIDER.  
CG: ... WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE GETTING SHOT AT!?  
TG: with laser guns  
TG: thats the real rub here  
TG: i could deal with maybe regular guns but i draw the line at this laser shit  
TG: i hate watching my wounds cauterize thats just not very romantic  
TG: anyways i got caught and there are guns and i cannot fucking believe this was your  
TG: oh wait never mind  
CG: OH WAIT NEVER MIND, WHAT?  


\-- tablesturnedGodhand [TG] has ceased correspondence with citizenGogdammnit [CG] \--

CG: NEVRMIND WHAT, STRIDER?  
CG: ... STRIDER?  
CG: STRIIIIIDEEEEER!!!

Your name is DAVID STRIDER but no one calls you that because it would be stupid. You go- cleverly and colloquially- by DAVE or STRIIIIIIIDEEEER depending on how successfully you have managed to aggravate your acquaintance. You used to be a pretty COOL KID. Now you're just kind of an ASSHOLE.

You are seventeen years old and getting shot at with lasers. This is happening because you played a game called SBURB and  
the world ended. You used to be able to TIME TRAVEL. You can't do that anymore so instead you just TAKE STUPID RISKS.

Before things all went to shit you used to do cool stuff like RAP and MIX MUSIC and apparently TAKE IRONIC PHOTOGRAPHS. You were also internet famous for your brilliant comic SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF which has been on unofficial hiatus since your apartment building was hit by a meteor. You still draw sometimes- you draw [STIRRING PORTRAITS THAT REVEAL THE INNER CONFLICTS OF YOUR FELLOW FREEDOM FIGHTERS](http://i51.tinypic.com/2dijdy0.jpg). The only reason you are a FREEDOM FIGHTER is because ~~Rose talked you into it~~ ~~you had nowhere else to go~~ ~~it was the right thing to do~~ it was ironic. You're still fond of irony and have taken to ironically dressing like an anime character. This is definitely a conscious choice based on the absurdity of your situation and has nothing to do with the limited but d  
ichotomous choices presented by the troll "fashion industry" which is all either T-Shirts or Tron bullshit and you are not ready yet to Be Bruce Boxleitner.

You are still getting shot at with laser guns. This is probably gonna stop in about three seconds, which is cool with you because lasers are pretty tacky.

\------------------------

 _Karkat's probably yelling STRIIIIIIDER until he's blue-red-wtfever colour on the other end of the line but Dave doesn't care. It's no fun to get Karkat upset ever since he lost his eye and can't do that thing where his pupils go in opposite directions like a fish anymore. Karkat would definitely be upset if he knew what was about to go down here._

 _She stops the guard's frantic firing with a single word, bright eyed and sharp featured as she peels out of the darkness, cane faithfully at her side click-clacking against the metal floor. Karkat would be upset if  
he knew how her teeth glinted in the dim light, that secret (completely creepy) smile she reserved just for Dave Strider. Karkat would have an aneurysm if he knew about the way she sort of swayed her hip out to one side as she retrieved a pair of cracked sunglasses from her pocket. _

_What was the moron expecting? planning a raid on the most important Law Office in Delta Colony looking for execution records? Shit like that is pretty much asking to run into Terezi Pyrope. She is, after all, one of the most in-demand Legislacerators in the entire quadrant._

\------------------------

Your name is Dave Strider and when you were thirteen you got caught up in a COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL CONVERSATION that ended with you saying something really stupid along the lines of: "yeah sure tz i guess if earth were restored and i were desperate or  
something i'd consider dating you. a date. not anywhere nice" You didn't mean anything by it. You were just trying to be a COOLKID like it was no thing to take a girl out and participate in what could be interpreted as a ROMANTIC GESTURE. Cause it wasn't.

Unfortunately, it was Alternia that was restored, not Earth. Now she just tries to kill you- and everyone you happen to personally associate with- on a semi-regular basis and apparently this is definitely "going steady" by troll standards. Troll dating sure is weird!

ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE A  
BORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABO

Gogdammnit.

But seriously.

Why is that option even up there?

Dave, stop that. It's not getting us anywhere.

STRIIIIIDEEEEEER!!!!!!!

Your n  
ame is ROSE LALONDE and you shouldn't have to deal with this shit every day.

You do deal with this shit everyday, however, because you feel a heavy sense of unwarranted responsibility buffered by a healthy dollop of guilt and served sauteed with a side of cracking sharp wit and atop your fine tuned intellect. You used to be something of a PRETENTIOUS ARM-CHAIR PSYCHIATRIST. You have now evolved into a HARDENED BATTLE STRATEGIST. Sometimes you doubt that your advice is very good at all- when you played SBURB with your friends four years ago you spent most of your time actively attempting to break the laws of the game's universe which led to some UNFORTUNATE COMPLICATIONS that you secretly fear contributed to your CURRENT PREDICAMENT.

\------------------------

"This better not be about Terezi." Rose sighs, folding her hands in front of her. Karkat's got a mean eyetwitch going on and that's not going to do an  
yone any good.

"What was I thinking?" he hisses, dragging a frustrated hand down his face, "Sending Strider on a Gallows run? How stupid could I be?"

"On the other hand," Rose suggests mildly, "He's got the best chance of survival if things do go wrong."

"Not comforting." the troll mutters, eyes pressed shut against the light. Rose finds it unbearably dim on their crappy little ship (the GOOD-ENOUGH-MOBILE), but Trolls don't deal well in the light and half-lit's the best compromise they can manage. Rose slides a gentle hand over Karkat's shoulder and begins nudging him down the hall.

"Fine. There's also a chance- slim as it may be- that you are being characteristically paranoid, insecure and nosy. This might have nothing to do with Terezi. In fact, Dave could be heaving his last laboured breaths as we speak."

"If only," Karkat sighs wistfully, his palm now cupping the side of his face in futile attempt at self comfort.

"Yes, Fearless Leade  
r, would not all of our lives be easier without the spectre of Dave Strider hanging over us, taking all the most dangerous missions and usually succeeding? Providing some of our best intelligence? Saving your life that one time?"

Karkat digs his heels against the floor before whirling around, glaring at Rose through his one yellow eye. She expects him to argue with her, snap back some lame defense about how Dave hadn't _really_ saved his life that was just a weird situational thing and he would rather have died than owe anything to that puckered excretion tube. Instead, he casts a stray look about the hallway and asks: "Lalonde. Where the hell are we going?"

Rose smooths down the countours of her skirts, delivering the news with the pause and weight it deserved, "The holo-phone room. John sent a message and wants you to contact him as soon as possible."

John had been away for a long time. Long enough that Rose had turned worrying about him into a daily  
chore. Get dressed, fix hair, brush teeth, worry after John. At the sound of his name, Karkat's whole face lights up like a E-Z-Bake Oven at the end of the bake cycle. Well, it lights up _subtly_ and around the edges. His mouth is still set in a petulant frown and his thick eyebrows are still knotted in a heavy line across his brow, but Rose has had the unfortunate chance to study the troll for more than a few years now and she can tell that he is elated by the news.

"Oh," Karkat replies simply, "I wonder what that moron wants."

\------------------------

\-- citizenGogdammnit [CG] contacted ectoBrigadier [EB] \--

EB: hi karkat!  
CG: GOGDAMMNIT EGBERT. WHY ARE YOU WEARING A PIRATE HAT!?  
>EB: i'm captain today!  
CG: IT'S ANSWERS LIKE THAT, EGBERT, THAT MAKE ME WISH DEEPLY AND WITH ALL MY PATHETIC, DISEASED SOUL THAT I HAD NEVER CHOSEN TO MAKE CONTACT WITH YOUR VILE SPECIES. THAT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BETTER TO ROT AWAY ON THAT DAMN ASTEROID IN THE VEIL, VICTIMS TO GAMZEE'S FUCKED UP SLIME WITHDRAWL. WHY, JOHN. WHY ARE YOU CAPTAIN TODAY?  
EB: uh  
CG: NO. DON'T TELL ME. I'M SURE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH A REWARD FOR HOW WELL YOU PERFORMED SEXUALLY LAST NIGHT. IN LIGHT OF SUCH A REVELATION I PRETTY MUCH WOULD BE TOO SICK TO LOOK YOU IN THE EYE. IT WOULD BE AS IF YOU'D PUT A FILIAL PAIL OVER YOUR HEAD AND PLAYED A JAUNTY FUCKING ROYAL ANTHEM ON IT. WITH YOUR BONE BULGE.  
EB: gee, karkat. i don't know why you always bring stuff like that up. it always makes you so upset.  
CG: YES, IT MAKES ME UPSET WHEN ALL MY FUCKING ACE IN  
THE BUCKET GOD TIER PLAYERS LEAVE TO GO SEE HOW MANY CORNERS OF THE GALAXY THEY CAN HAVE HIDEOUS, UNIMAGINABLE ALIEN SEX IN.

EB: c'mon karkat. you know it's not really like that. vriska and i are doing some important things out here in the rim.  
CG: YEAH, OKAY. I'M SAYING SOME THINGS I MIGHT NOT MEAN. IT'S BEEN ONE OF THOSE DAYS.  
EB: oh? are rose and dave doing okay?  
CG: ROSE IS FINE AND LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT DAVE FUCKING STRIDER. IF I NEVER HEAR HIS NAME AGAIN IT WOULD BE AS IF A CHORUS OF COPULATING ANGELS WERE BEATING A RHYTHMIC LULLABY STRAIGHT INTO MY HEART EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY.  
EB: dude, that's kind of intense.  
EB: i, uh. didn't know that you felt that way about dave.  
EB: i mea  
n, he's a pretty cool guy and everything but...  
CG: HA HA, JOHN. YOU ARE SUCH A TRICKSTER. I AM ROLLING AROUND ON THE FUCKING FLOOR LAUGHING SO LOUD THAT I JUST TURNED INSIDE OUT.  
EB: that's pretty cool! trolls must be really tough if you're not screaming in pain from all that exposed gooey flesh and nerve endings!  
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY. ROSE SAID THAT YOU HAD A MESSAGE FOR ME.  
EB: oh yeah, um. i might have a few for you soon!  
EB: vriska's out right now investigating something on this planet we came across. i'm not sure what it is- she hasn't explained things to me really clearly. you know how she is.  
CG: YES, I DO. SHE'S A PSYCHOPATH AND I WISH YOU WERE FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HER.  
EB: i meant more like how she doesn't like to talk about her "irons in the fire" until she knows they actually amount to something.br />EB: she's not a psychopath, karkat.  
EB: she's just misunderstood. you must know that too since you didn't leave her behind in the incipisphere.  
CG: NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING. THE ONLY FUCKING REASON SHE GOT A FREE PAST IS BECAUSE YOU LOOKED LIKE SUCH A GOGDAMNED ABUSED MUSCELBEAST ABOUT IT AND NO ONE ELSE COULD SAY NO TO YOU.  
EB: oh right. it was everyone else. certainly not the great karkat vantas showing an unusual moment of caring and compassion when he is usually so cold and ruthless.  
CG: COMPASSION IS FOR THE WEAK AND THE CULLED. I AM MADE ENTIRELY OF HATE AND MORE HATE.  
EB: whatever you say, karkat.  
CG: GOGDAMMNIT EGBERT DO YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ME OR NOT!?  
EB: oh. i was, uh, just enjoying talking. we haven't talked in a long time. i missed you.  
EB: and  
this news is both bad and good. i'm not sure what to do with it myself.  
CG: FUCK. STOP LEADING ME ON LIKE THIS. WHAT IS IT!?  
EB: we uh.  
EB: we found out where they're keeping Jade.  
EB: karkat?  
EB: you still there, karkat?  
CG: WHAT.  
EB: but we're not sure if it's a good idea to go rescue her just yet. it's complicated and i don't really want to talk about it over the holo-phone. i just though you should know.  
CG: FUCK.  
EB: yeah. do me a favour and don't tell rose and dave yet.  
EB: i don't want dave to do something stupid.  
CG: EVERYTHING HE DOES IS STUPID.  
EB: anyways, i have to go now! it was good talking again, karkat!  
EB: give my best to everyone!  
class="karkat">CG: FUCK THAT SHIT. DO IT YOURSELF, YOU LAZY ASSHOLE.  
EB: ha ha ha, okay karkat. bye.  
CG: JOHN, WAIT!  
EB: yeah?  
CG: ... I MISS YOU TOO.

\-- citizenGogdammnit [CG] ceased correspondence with  
ectoBrigadier [EB] \--

That was a stupid thing to say.

Jegus, you're so alone.

  



	2. == ERIDAN: be forever alone

  


  


Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA and you are so alone.

You are REAL ALONE, not like some people you know who merely FEEL as if they are alone because they have alienated many people they care about due to their position as leader of a desperate attempt to overthrow the restrictive troll government and everyone they have ever felt strong romantic feelings for has left them to explore unwise interspecies relationships. No you are the real kind of alone one must suffer through when they have committed crimes against the Empire like MURDERING THE HEIR TO THE THRONE (who was by the way THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE) and OTHER SUCH DUMB SHIT. You are the kind of alone where the Empress decides not to have you culled but instead forbids you from ever mating or contributing genetic material to the incestuous slurry. You must forever serve her in contrition and are banned from HONO  
UR a FUTURE and from LOVE ITSELF.

FOREVER ALONE.

  


But not all is lost.

You were once the PRINCE OF HOPE and so you are uniquely qualified to tell yourself when a storm cloud has silver lining... and this shitstorm you are suffering under definitely has IMPERIAL PURPLE laced all through it.

Once you were a warrior of light!

Then you were a villain!

Now you will become something even better... an ANTI-HERO!

All your evil actions have led you to this point- the point at which you begin an EPIC REDEMPTION ARC and become the TRUE HERO of this story!

You have GOALS and PLANS and there is only one person who can help you.

  


  


THE STRANGE HUMAN GIRL is before you.

Something very STRANGE happened to her during the final level of SGRUB. If you believed in it, you might call it SOME MAGIC BULLSHIT.

As the only troll in the Imperial Court who has had any experience with the humans, you have been assigned to help the SCIENTITIONERS and ACADEMIC UNDERTAKERS study the STRANGE HUMAN GIRL. There is not much studying to be done, unfortunately, since the last time a scientitioner attempted to use a thinksickle on the girl, her GOOD DOG (wisely kept several laboratories away after THE INCIDENT) nearly destroyed an entire research facility.

Mostly, you just talk to her.

  


She is the only one who understands you!

This is because of your SIMILAR POSITION IN LIFE. Two victims alone in the Imperial Court. Despised, caged away, survivors of SGRUB, both cursed and blessed with knowledge beyond that of the pitiful laytroll!

You do not wake the THE STRANGE HUMAN GIRL because through the tragic and harsh rigours of CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT you have learnt that it is important to obtain CONSENT from those you care about in all interpersonal matters.

(you drum your fingers on the glass, just a little bit. absently. not because you're trying to wake her up)

  


  


THE STRANGE HUMAN GIRL is awake!

  


  


  


  
harley! i havve a plan and i need your help.

oh fuck!!!!! not you again!!!! B[ B[ B[

It's hard to be you. No one understands.


	3. == JOHN: be a captain today!

  


  


Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you are Captain today!

What will you do?

  


You decide to sing a [silly pirate song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AawQvD8L_h4) from a game you played when you were a kid! You remember almost all the lyrics!

  


... this just makes you kind of sad because you remember that Earth was destroyed and will never come back. :C You will never play that video game again.

Surely there are better uses for your newfound CAPTAIN POWERS.

  


You have never been a Captain before... maybe you need some practice!

You pretend to be VRISKA. Vriska is your most important friend. You and her have a very SPECIAL BOND that is hard to explain, even to friends like Rose and Dave and Karkat. You think you understand her pretty well, so you try to order around some of the crew just like she does.

  


Your troll crew-mate doesn't know what it means to "swab the deck". Even the low-blood trolls don't really like being ordered around by a "weird alien".

  


Gee, you're not very good at this, are you?

John, wasn't there something important you were supposed to do?

  


  
full speed ahead!   


Of course! You have a lot of IMPORTANT THINGS to do. As Vriska always says, you have a lot of IRONS and all of them are currently IN THE FIRE. You've gotta run a few quick chores before you go pick her up. 

You and Vriska have decided to SAVE THE UNIVERSE. That's how she always phrases it at least- she's kind of got an obsession with being A HERO, which is pretty silly, but you don't argue with her because it's way better than SOME OF THE OBSESSIONS she's had in the past. You grew out of heroes a few years ago. Not even Nicholas Cage's Ghost Rider or Bruce Willis' folkish All-American Oil Driller-turned-Astronaut from Armageddon can make you believe again no matter the sacrifices made so that Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler can eat animal crackers together for the rest of their lives. You think it's more important to just try to save people and fix things the BEST YOU CAN while BEING YOURSELF and TRYING YOUR HARDEST.   
You don't think that's being a Hero- you think of it as doing what needs to be done. You arrived at this conclusion after a stressful conversation with your BEST FRIEND.

It is important to avoid detection by the Alternian Military. The Mindfang is not equipped with stealth technology but you have always been able to FIX that...

  


  
You do THE WINDY THING.   


You should not be able to do THE WINDY THING. THE WINDY THING is a part of SBURB and you have been finished the game for four years. There has been much POSTULATING and HYPOTHESIZING on the subject and the best you can all figure is that something is WRONG.

Something is WRONG and you are going to FIX it.

  



	4. YEARS IN THE PAST (but not that many)

  


  


The Heir wakes to light on his face and light in his fingers. The ground beneath him is cold and solid, a chill creeping through his spine like electric shocks, a sporadic sting followed by waves of dull pain. He opens his eyes and memories return in a fog.

He remembers the 

  
[cue final boss music](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57toMUBuEbA)   


_He remembers Dave first, highlighted against the green sun. There's only one of him at the end- the rest have fallen. He's coiled like a ~~serpent~~ ~~goddamn ninja~~ ~~a kid who's fought too much~~ warrior, sword gripped desperately between bloodied hands as he tries to coach the fear out of his eyes. He lost his sunglasses somewhere along the way and all you see when you look at him is green reflected on red._

 _Rose is there too. She's alive with eldritch fire, needles arched over her head like radio antennae, channeling all the dark magic she should have known better than to mess around with. Her smirk is lopsided and fake, her eyes hollowed out from her Horrorterror visions. She's saying something (Rose is always always saying something) but he can't hear her over the terrible din._

 _He can hear Jade. She's right beside him, skirt and hair whipping violently around her in the solar winds. She turns right to him and says "I kno  
w what I need to do!" and smiles so calmly that it takes him a moment to think anything might be wrong._

 _The Heir has this nagging memory, scratching the walls of his head, like he's seen this before. Jade's determination, the pit in his stomach and the feeling of finality. He reaches for her, but it's to late. It-_

 _The Heir opens his eyes to a sky full of chaos and strange colour._

  


  
w-where

where are we?

Dammnit! I don't 8elieve this.

... vriska?

Alternia.

This is Alternia

  


  



	5. == DAVE: fondly regard weirdass love letter

  


  


"What the fuck is this?"

"Oh my Gog don't tell me you went through all of that whining and complaining like a fucking wiggling grub without actually understanding the parameters of the mission!? Strider, it's as if someone ground Musclebeast genitals through a meat-processing funnel until it was a fine paste and then they put that paste inside of your skull!" here Karkat paused a moment and considered the clarity of his statement. He continued: "Instead of your brain! In case the subtext there wasn't clear on account of the dickpaste in your head. This-" and he waved the file folder in Dave's face with an exaggerated flourish, "Is a list of all political radicals currently on the Subjuggulator's execution list. It is only _the most important piece of documentation we could of obtained ever_ aside from the Empress's titshit erotic FLARPing itinerary."

"Wow, okay. Shut up. I know that. I was over here b  
eing all rhetorical about this bullshit I'm looking at that has nothing to do with your bullshit." Dave rolled his wrist casually, flipping the paper in Karkat's direction with a pretty unflappable air of _I don't even care_. The troll's reaction was immediate.

" _That_ ," Karkat growled, "- is a hideous excrement of what I would passably call artistic effort from a certain slavering psychopath we're both familiar with. You don't need to explain the fucking fine print. Shit- take it back. I'm gonna hurl just looking it."

Dave's lip curled up in a slight smirk, almost undetectable to the practiced eye. Karkat was a practiced eye. Eye singular.

"My bad there. She was gonna try real hard on this one but she couldn't concentrate if you know what I mean."

"Yes, I know what you me-"

"Because it was pretty intense. Pails everywhere, man. Hard to cartoon in the throes of passion and all."

"Strider, I got the fucking hin-"

"C'mon, don  
't tell me you're not curious. You're trippin' over yourself with sick preoccupation, _Karkles_. Acting all evasive when you want me to tell you all about it."

Karkat grit his teeth and edged a hand for one of the sickles that hung at his belt, "One of these days I'm going to shut you up permanently." he said lowly. Dave just tipped his chin back in possibly the most infuriatingly dismissive manner possible in a human male. Whatever he was about to say was lost as the Meeting Room door swished open and Rose's long shadow loomed between them ominously.

"Five minutes," she said sharply, holding aloft her chronological timepiece (or, as the bluebloods called it, _watch_ ), "Quite _literally_ five minutes I'm gone and already you two are ready for a phalus duel."

_Dave shrugged nonchalantly, but Karkat had the presence of mind to look at least a little ashamed. He suddenly felt very foolish in his uncomfortable chair in their storage-room turned  
office in their crappy little converted freighter chugging along in Deadspace with their stupid suicide quest. Rose took her seat at the table and eyed the love letter warily._

_"What is this and why is it in front of me?"_

_"Strider rubbing his disgusting interspecies Bad Decisions in our faces as usual."_

_"That too," Dave retorted with a snort, "But mostly I was looking for a little cultural perspective. Cross boundary communication- Rez hasn't drawn me a shitty comic without some sort of morbid subtext in a long time."_

_"And since she just handed over these execution files, you are suspicious." Rose supplied._

_Dave shrugged. That was his standard answer for most things. Yes, no, and all in between. Karkat rolled his one eye dramatically._

_"She's probably just hoping she'll get lucky and we'll get ourselves Subjuggulated. Terezi's always been a manipulative shebeast that way."_

_Rose rubbed h  
er temples and looked at her timepiece again. _She_ hadn't even been in the room five minutes, "Just look at it."_

He did. After a moment, a light seemed to go off in his head and quite loudly he said, "Huh. What the fuck."

Dave straightened in his seat slightly, "What did you find?" Rose wondered tiredly.

"You human fuckwits have been living on Alternia for nearly three solar sweeps and you don't even recognized the Gogdamned plot of Romeo and Juliet?"

"You-" Rose's eyebrows crawled towards her hair-line in surprised, "You have a version of Romeo and Juliet?"

"In case you haven't noticed," Karkat sighed, "We kind of created your _sun and your moon and your whole fucking planet_. Most of your shitty pop culture was derivative of ours. Famous story. Two powerful warriors from rival factions find their Kismesis turning Red. The Empress discovers this transgression so they run away together and fly off the edge of the Rim, never heard  
from again. Probably dead. The end."

Rose chuckled fondly, "Well, well. I never figured you for a fan of the theater."

"I'm not- it's a famous fucking story, okay? There was a movie based on it a few solar sweeps back. Two Warriors From Warring Castes Commit a Forbidden Double Reach Around Romantic Affair During The Age of Divided Blood. After They Are Discovered They Plan To Sail Off The Edge Of The Rim Together But Their Ship Eventually Runs Out Of Power And They Die In Each Other's Arms. There Is Also a Subplot About Romeo's Hivemate Dying At The Hand of Juliet's Second Officer. Fifteen Murders Are Featured as Well As Five On Screen Kisses and One Suggested Sexual Act. It starred Leonardo Decapitationo."

"No way. I don't believe that one," Dave interrupted, "Decapitationo? You're fucking with me this time- that can't be a real name."

"No, fuckass. It's a title. Leonardo Decapitationo was a high ranking Thresecutioner before becoming an actor. He uh  
," Karkat cleared his throat awkwardly, "His life story was the basis for Thresh Prince of Bel Air."

  


"Thresh. Prince? Fuck me." Dave's tone was deadpan but his shoulders were shaking a little like he was holding in laughter. Rose met his gaze for a moment because oh, the odd distance between troll and human culture- so simultaneously divorced and entwined- was most certainly amusing. However, there were more pressing issues at hand.

"Troll Romeo and Juliet. I see. But what does that mean?"

"I have no fucking clue!" Karkat threw his arms up in frustration, "Ask _him_. It's his nublicking love note!"

Dave was obviously still stuck on Thresh Prince- composing lyrics in his head or something- but if SBURB had taught him anything it was the art of multi-tasking. With Time not longer a viable option he should have practically changed his name to The Knight Of Motherfucking Efficient Multi-Tasking. He grabbed for Terezi's comic and stood abruptly, "Yeah, I got an idea but I gotta talk to Captor first  
. Whip me up a secure line."

Karkat sputtered wordlessly at Dave's characteristic insubordination. Dave ordering around the "Captain" wasn't anything new, but that shit never failed to get under Karkat's skin.

"Sollux?" Rose tipped her head, "So we're taking this 'beyond the Rim' business seriously then."

"Maybe." Dave held the comic up between two fingers, flapping it back and forth, "I need him to do a little interpretation for me. If one crazy, blind prophet can't understand another, who can?"

\--------------------------

You grip the WEIRD ASS LOVE LETTER in both hands as you read it again and again. You might be tempted to DWELL on the subtleties of the comic. To mine the symbolism, analyze the brushstrokes (made with a computer mouse). To stare at it for an inappropriately long time and keep it somewhere safe.

These are all things that someone who was IN LOVE wo  
uld do. You are not IN LOVE- you are Dave Strider and you're probably going to crumple this note and toss it out a hatch after you talk to Sollux. Rose has expressed considerable concern over your CONTINUED INVOLVEMENT with the Legislacerator, some nonsense about lawmakers and revolutionaries being unwise partners.

You are not concerned because your relationship with Terezi is NOTHING SERIOUS. It's physical. It's based on the allure of the forbidden. It's an extension of ironic childhood flirtation and the two of you just keep stepping up the game because she's the only only only one who can keep up with you. It's just something you do to piss off Karkat.

That one. That one's good.

You and Terezi. It's nothing serious. It's just to see the satisfying slow cook of rage that is the perpetual existence of Karkat Vantas. That's all.

\----------------------  
\----

  
**== FLASHBACK: PROVE THE COOLKID WRONG**   


  


  
DO YOU TH1NK 1'M 4 T3RR1BL3 MONST3R D4V3?

i dunno rez you did a real number on my back here

1'M B31NG S3R1OUS YOU 1DO1T!

1'M T4LK1NG 4BOUT M4T3R14L MOR4L1TY H3R3. YOU HUM4NS AR3 SO W31RD 4BOUT TH4T K1ND OF TH1NG. 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 WH3R3 W3 ST4ND.

what

do you even care about that

OF COURS3 1 DO!

B3 HON3ST, D4V3...

WH4T DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK 4BOUT WH4T 1 DO?

i

you

[you feel naked without your glasses- saying shit with eyes wide open is risky business. you reach for THE SHADES, but she yanks them just out of reach]

i think youre kind of crazy and you chose the wrong side

and youre capable of fucked up shit like no one iv

  
e ever known

and i

4M INS4N3LY 4TTR4CT3D TO M3?

i wasnt gonna say that

YOUR D3C3PT1ON K1ND OF SM3LLS L1K3 ON1ONS.

so okay

at what point are you too old and sexy to never say stupid crap like that again

D4V3. C4N YOU 1NDULG3 M3 FOR 4 M1NUT3 H3R3?

uh

[she sets her own SHADES on the desk between you and you stare at them. They're yours- your old ones. You don't move to take them.]

1F TH1S H4D 4LL GON3 TH3 OTH3R W4Y-

oh no

rez we cant have a conversation like this

YOU SA1D TH4T YOU'D 1NDULG3 ME!

no

i said uh

TH4T'S PR3TTY MUCH TH3 S4M3 TH1NG W1TH YOU.

>...

LOOK 1F TH1NGS H4D GON3 TH3 OTH3R W4Y 4ND W3 W3R3 ON 34RTH... T3LL M3 WH4T YOU TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 L1K3.

... seriously

S3R1OUSLY.

you think about that

W3LL NOT R34LLY S1NC3 1 DON'T KNOW TH4T MUCH 4BOUT 34RTH!

wait is this one of those things where youre asking me to supply you personal fantasy fuel

are we doin that right now

H3H3H3.

[you don't need to see her face to picture that freaky shark grin of hers]

cant see how things would be much different since youd still be crazy

thats what id tell everyone too

my girl tz shes crazy cant take her anywhere nice because she trips the waiters and licks the menus and everytime i se  
e her all the [rays of the sun are streaming through the wings in her hair](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lE6Htee0sA) every star in the sky taking aim at her eyes like a spotlight

TROLLS C4N'T SURV1V3 1N TH3 SUN, D4V3.

yeah its a line from a song

metaphor about how amazing and glamorous you are or whatever

thats what you wanted to hear right

YOU'R3 T3RR1BLE.

[she sets your shades on the desk again and holds up a folder full of IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS. You retrieve your SHADES quickly, snatching the folder away in the same swift movement]

anything you want to tell vantas

Y3AH. S4M3 4S 4LW4YS. H3'LL 4LW4YS H4V3 4 NOOS3 W41T1NG FOR H1M 1N MY OFF1C3.

[you can see the sh  
ark grin this time. she always grins so wide you can count every one of her weird, alien teeth]

[but that's something someone in love would do. good thing you're DAVE STRIDER and you are too COOL and DISCONNECTED to have feelings like that]

  
span>

  
  



	6. YEARS IN THE PAST (but not SO many years)

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  



	7. == Be Sollux

  


  


Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR and you don't like this fourth wall bullshit.

Your eyes can see bey0nd. These formalities are not necessary.

you are reading a fanfic about Sollux Captor. He's wearing some pretty intense Tron bullshit that the author thought looked pretty cool when she drew it at two in the morning. Right now, this guy's gotta talk to Dave Strider for some currently undetermined plot arc relevance.

That's him ringing right now.

\-- tablesturnedGodhand [TG] contacted taciturnAugury [TA] --

TG: i need to know  
TA: ab0ut tr0ll r0me0 and juliet?  
TG: what no how did you kn  
"dave">TG: nevermind  
TG: i dont want to know how you knew  
TG: jesus youre creepy  
TG: ive got like important shit going down here  
TG: try to be serious for just one minute captor come on  
TA: l0l k  
TA: if y0u're g0nna be a t0tal drama queen ab0ut it  
TA: i swear y0u and kk are s0  
TG: dont even  
TG: dont fucking start with that  
TG: every goddamn time "oh dave you and kk" like were squiggle fucking cunt buddies in a recuperpod trading spitballs  
TA: it's n0t like that?  
TG: jegus  
TG: christ  
TA: because terezi always used t0 say y0u tw0 were really similar  
TG: fuck what terezi says  
TG: no wait  
span class="dave">TG: forget that  
TG: thats what we need to talk about rezs morbid sociopath words  
TG: crazier than usual even  
TG: were talking high grade motherfucking cryptology here like theres gonna be cults in the future sacrificing horrible spacegoats or whatever to the alter of her apocryphal delphian bullshit  
TA: bullshit ab0ut r0me0 and juliet?  
TG: thats the thing  
TG: i dont think this notes about her and me theres gotta be something else going on  
TG: everything ok in the rim  
TG: ?  
TA: as much as can be expected yeah  
TG: are y0u c0ncerned?  
TG: i mean it would be pretty bad if the empress found out what you were doing out there  
TG: that scenario going down would pretty much fuck o  
ur shit seventeen ways from sunday in a pretty intense clusterfuck of horseradish splooge straight from the dick of troll nostradamus  
TG: thats pretty much what ive been led to believe

You must be confused right now.

This is an unfortunate problem easily remedied by EXPOSITION.

For all intents and purposes you are currently SOLLUX CAPTOR. He is your avatar in this story and you know what he knows.

You know that he is the leader of a group of lowblood psychics and telekenetics hiding from the Alternian government Beyond the Rim.

You know that it is dange  
rous to live Beyond the Rim. There are things that live here that the mortal mind has difficulty comprehending.

They whisper to you sometimes. They whisper to all of you.

But you know how to make it quiet now.

TA: the empress is scared of what lies bey0nd the rim. as far as i can see we are safe  
TG: yeah but  
TG: what about after that  
TA: seri0usly i d0n't even w0rry ab0ut that kind 0f shit anym0re. what happens happens, whatever.  
TG: uh no not whatever  
TG: im trying to help you out here shit  
TA: ehehe, remember when y0u used t0 be c00l?  
TG: im still cool  
TG: iced tea and i dont mean the fine musical artist all up in here chilled to the bone like a fucking icy square  
class="dave">TG: first one you eat is fucking golden but all subsequent squares are just too much man  
TA: then d0n't w0rry ab0ut us. we're playing 0ur r0le. just f0cus 0n what y0u have to d0.  
TG: more cryptic rigmarole  
TG: did i seriously just use that word  
TG: youre right i am slipping  
TG: sliding and riding that slipnslide to egbert depths of uncool  
TG: this is obviously a more pertinent issue than yknow our imminent subjuggulation so serious right now  
TA: sp0t 0n strider  
TG: but seriously  
TG: you always say shit about my role but  
TG: i have no idea what im supposed to be doing  
TA: yes y0u d0. g0gdamn strider just try to freaking remember. we've been 0ver this before, remember?  
TG: i   
know i just  
TG: i can't  
TA: think dave. think harder.

  



	8. == DAVE: Remember

  


The Knight wakes to fire and wind and time in his bones so heavy that when he tries to lift his arms they sag back down like they're plastic bags and someone's filled them with wet cement. He opens his eyes and there are bare against the dark, Alternian sky.

He remembers the 

  
[cue final boss music](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xm9FlD5Beyo)   


  


_He remembers the last conversations he had._

 _With Rose: "of course we're not letting you do it alone you goddamn dumb flighty broad. How did you ever think that was a thing that was going to happen?"_

 _With John: "whatever Egbert, but if I hear one line of that song from Con-Air I am going to clock you into next week. I'm Knight of Time. That is a thing I can do."_

 _With Jade: "Jade you know I'm not... I'm not actually that cool. Not really."_

 _With Terezi: "tz what are you do-"_

 _With Himself: "this is it, dude. You probably should have been less of an asshole to the people you care about because you're gonna die."_

with Aradia:

  


_He remembers that he was born ready, but he can't remember what for._

 _he remembers getting the fuck ready_

 _to face his destiny_

 _not like a pussy this time either_

 _you always face your destiny like a pussy, strider, every fucking time_

 __

you and aradia have a plan to fix this shit  
 __

but you can't remember what it was because

 __

Jade beats you to it

The Knight opens his eyes for real as he watches Terezi walk away, her laugh ringing in his ears.

You always face it like a pussy, Strider.

Every.

Fucking.

Time.

  



	9. THE FABLE OF OATHSWORN

  


TG: dammnit if you know why cant you just tell me  
TG: if you know everything  
TG: whats the fucking point of keeping it a secret all the time  
TG: were kind of dying out here while your hanging out off the i90 interstellar highway sipping fucking horrorterror milkshakes with your suicide pact cult of merry telekenetics  
TG: must be nice  
TA: l0l y0u get s0 angry  
TA: calm d0wn "c00lkid"  
TA: it wouldn't really change anything if i t0ld y0u w0uld it?  
TA: there are subtleties t0 mem0ry i can't duplicate dude  
TG: you  
TG: talk  
TG just like her  
TG: whatever  
TG: just be careful ok i think his tyrannys got his eye fixe  
d on the rim  
TG: and karkat needs you like he needs air or some shit  
TG: all out of love and so lost without you  
TA: that's c00l. tell him we're 0k and he sh0uld st0p being such a big bitchy crybaby ab0ut it all the time  
TG: yeah sure ill convey the message in those exact words  
TA: c00l thx  
TA: 0h and strider?  
TG: god what  
TA: there is 0ne thing i can tell you  
TG: finally  
TG: what  
TA: the bedtime st0ry  
TA: tr0ll juliet's bedtime st0ry  
TG: why the fuck would i care about that  
TA: st0p being a bitchy crybaby and listen f0r 0nce.  
TA: this is importantan>

  
**  
THE FABLE OF OATHSWORN   
**   


****In the age of the LXXXIII Empress the lowblood Oathsworn gazed upon the visage of Prince Heartscythe and was struck by his terrible beauty. In fevered dreams did Oathsworn suffer concupiscent feelings until his pity turned hateful and then adoring. He lived as in waking dreams and fell victim of the sea longing. His life was for the Prince but this was no longer satisfaction- his worthy pleasure in servitude had become possessive.

Oathsworn went to see a A Witch and he said to her: "I feel the emotions of the blue bloods. In my heart there is ambition and my bones ache, longing to dominate."

"What would you have me do?" asked the Witch./span>

"I would have you transform me. Make in my veins that which my souls knows innately."

The Witch smile and replied: "This magic is no small task. I would demand a PRICE."

"I would pay it."

The Witch took from him his **OATH** and so  Oathsworn became Oathbroken and he set out for the sea.

Oathbroken said unto the Royal Court that he was newly survived the Alternian wastes. He bled for the court, his proud Fangbeast lusus at his side, transformed by the Witch into the visage of Amarok the Wolf, noble sign of the Royal Fang Clan. He lied as befitting a blue blood and when the bleeding was over he sunk to his knees, eyes only now adjusting to the glare of the sun as seen refracted through the waves. In his   
cunning, he had caught the eye of Prince Heartscythe and on his lips were prayers to the Old Gods.

As the **Twin Moons** danced the horizon- as matesprits at night, as kismesis by day- the  Prince submit Oathbroken to trials. He was careful in the choosing, his advances clearly concupiscent.

"You will for me." said the Prince, "Cull the grubs born in the sea pearl clutch this season. And you must promise me to be merciless- you must promise me that if any low bloods survive the caverns, you will cull them as well and consume their flesh for my satisfaction."

"Of course." promised Oathbroken. However, when he arrived at the caverns and found that a single low blood had crawled from the depths he could not raise his sword and f  
ufill his promise. He consumed the weakest of the grubs in its stead and when the Prince kissed him, he could not tell the difference.

"You will for me," the Prince then asked, "Venture on to the land and slay the lusus of the Marquis of Arachadia." for this was a time when troll nations warred amongst each other, "Consume the flesh of the lusus for my satisfaction."

"Of course." promised Oathbroken. However when he arrived in Arachadia and slew the guards and the quadrant-mates of the Marquis he found that he could not raise his sword against her lusus and fufill his promise. He consumed the flesh of her matesprit in its stead and when the "prince">Prince kissed him, he could not tell the difference.

"You will for me," the Prince finally asked, "Seek out the elusive Rainbow Drinker. You will allow her to drink from your blood and then you will slay her. Promise me that you will do this. You must consume her heart for my satisfaction."

"Of course." promised Oathbroken. However, when the Rainbow Drinker lay dying, he slumped at her side and began to weep.

"Tell me of your sorrow, slayer-kind." said she. Because the Rainbow Drinker was a wise creature, Oathbroken spoke.

"For the pity and the desire of Prince Heartsc  
ythe I must consume your heart, however I have been cursed by a A Witch and once I am made to swear something I cannot fufill my oath."

"Your solution is simple, slayer-friend. The   
Witch   
has betrayed you. You must slay her, for a witch's heart and a rainbow drinker's heart are much alike."

Oathbroken knew in his heart that the Rainbow Drinker spoke true. He left her to die beneath the sun she so loved and sought out the Witch in her forest.

He approached the Witch in her sleep and drove his sword into her neck, watching her bright blood pool beneath her. As he carved out her heart, he heard her voice echoing in his ears.

"I saw you in my third eye,   
Oathsworn   
, and in my visions you are cold and terrible as the man you venerate."

When her heart was consumed, Oathsworn returned to the Ocean.

  
what

the

fuck

there is m0re than 0ne ending t0 the story

no trolls are fucked up

i dont want to hear this

seriously i dont care

in 0ne versi0n 0f the st0ry he is able to lie to the Prince

he just fucking c0asts thr0ugh life all: "l0l"

until 0ne day the Prince bites him and finds 0ut what he's been hiding

he d0esn't tell any0ne th0ugh s0 they have a pretty sweet kismesis and end up 0n 0pp0site sides 0f a war

dont care

well shit strider didn't y0u fucking ask?

this might be imp0rtant s0 just calm y0ur shit d0wn and listen.

in an0ther versi0n of the s  
t0ry,

his bl00d is dic0vered immediately and he is flayed alive by legislacerat0rs

that right there

is my girl terezis favourite version i bet

in the m0st fam0us ending he is still cursed even after eating the witch's heart

s0 when he tries to swear himself t0 the prince

he just can't d0 it. s0 the prince g0es for the Marquis t0 make an alliance and 0athsw0rn g0es to agitate the Empress' lusus and cause the great glub because he's an idi0t or s0mething i dunn0.

that shit is poetry vanilla ice in action

vanilla ice?

famous earth poet

look cool story bro ok

but what does this have to do with anything

0h my g0d s  
eri0usly!?

y0u're the 0ne that asked!

  


  



	10. == OATHSWORN: return to the ocean

  


  


  


  
you will become as cold and terrible as the man you venerate   


  



	11. enact plan

  


  


She is Her Imprerial Condescention. She is lovely and terrible, her body water-bloated and blushed pink near her thin skin from the weight of her blood. Her smile is a heart sliced horizontal with bone daggers, her horns a nest for jeweled barnacles and her limbs grown strange and pourous and snakelike from her time in the ocean. All troll children grow to resemble their lusus and the Empress spent her childhood under the watchful eye of a _God_. To you, she is a Goddess.

Your name is Eridan Ampora and you are the Empress’s _pet_.

This is a hard thing to be.

 _“What would you be without me, Ampora?”_ she coos, three of her fat-eel fingers trailing down your face, _“Tainted and culled is what you would be. Foam for the surface-skimmers to feed on, forgotten to our records and a shame to the memory of the Orphaner.”_

You have no choice  
but to agree. The Empress dotes on your talents. You understand history and you pretend to understand science- _potential_ , she says thoughtfully, her words bubbling from the folds of her face. The roll and they build and then they pop and some of them hit you like the smack of a wave’s crest. _But more importantly_ -

  


There is nothing of Feferi in her, but what she sees in you is the echo of her heir’s death. She touches your hands sometimes, turns them over in hers (clammy and cold) and murmurs about the strength of a Queen Killer. _“The Impudence”_ , she seethes fondly, _“the defiance, the stupidity. Eridan Ampora you are a wretch unlike our species has seen for a hundred years”._

Her pity is terrifying. You will not allow yourself to be kept a toy matesprit for this despot. Yeah, that’s what she is- you remember admiring despots in your forgotten youth. Stealing into glubbing land dweller libraries to greedily paw through the exploits of the Conquerer Caligula ( _troll caligua i knoww humans havve a caligula too but ours was better_ ) as your dreamt a child’s dreams of glorious, unspeakable genocide.

Oh yes, the most unspeakable. Getting a little nostalgic ri  
ght now.

 _wwait wwhere wwas i_

 _oh right_

You understand now that you were wrong and Karkat was right!

Or uh, has _been_ right ever since he became an enemy of the state and decided to overthrow the Empress. Before that he was wrong about a lot of things, but you would give your right leg ( _wwell maybe not that far but you glubbin knoww wwhat i mean_ ) to join him now. Too bad that he thinks you’re a fuckin traitor ( _hes right_ ) and a glubbin miserable wretch who doesn’t even deserve to kiss the ground he walks on. Karkat probably would have used about eight more metaphors there, but you get the picture.

But you have a plan. You know how to make Karkat trust you and maybe even like you just a little bit ( _but not any more than that i mean if he decided that he felt that wway it wwould be okay but im not sayin he has to_ ).

There is only one problem with this plan and that problem is you psycho ex-kismesis.  
p>

  


  
cagedAquariam [CA] contacted alloftheGalleons [AG]   


CA: dont hang up on me  
AG: ahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!  
AG: This is too rich!  
AG: What are you doing, Eridan? Calling me to cryyyyyyyy a8out how the Empress doesn’t lu8 you anymore and you want me 8ack? :::;)  
AG: Don’t you even ch8nge? Do you ever get sick of 8eing such a pathetic, whiny, w8ste of perfectly good oxidized seawater?  
CA: thats really cruel of you vvriska because you knoww ivve been fuckin suffering here and here i am calling you to givve you the catch of the decade just outta the kindness of my heart  
AG: Kindness of your heart? Ahahahahahahaha!  
AG: You lost your chance to play the “kindness of my heart” card when you murdered Feferi!!!!!!!!  
AG: Everyone’s doooooooone with you Eridan, so just give it up already.  
AG: Anyway, bye bye! ::::)  
CA: no wwait i fuckin said dont hang up on me  
CA:  
and real nice there playin all innocent wwhen its not like you wwere all light and goodness back in the game  
CA: wwhat about tavros  
AG: ….....  
CA: yeah thats wwhat i thought  
CA: anywways i got somethin really big and i think you wwanna hear this  
CA: its about harley  
AG: what! jade!  
AG: oh my god!  
CA: uh serket  
AG: oh yeah, sorry. heh heh.  
AG: this is john! i’m captain today!  
CA: wwhat  
AG: i think you made vriska kind of angry and lately she’s been trying to deal with her anger in more constructive ways than mind controlling random thresecutioners to their death.  
AG: right now she’s doing, um, the ancient human meditation technique of yelling your name and kicking a wall!  
AG: only it’s not really an ancient technique, i just told her t  
hat as a joke!  
AG: shh, don’t tell.  
CA: wwhat  
AG: but what was this about jade!? do you know where she is!?  
AG: augh, we’ve been looking for her for so long!  
AG: is she okay!?!? :C  
CA: yeah i knoww wwhere she is  
CA: she is here wwhere i am  
AG: what!? really!?  
AG: Really!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  
CA: wwait wwhich one of you am i talkin to  
AG: 8oth of us! Does it really m8ke a difference?  
CA: this is kind of awwkwward actually  
AG: Stop 8eing so jealous and cut to the ch8se! Are you saying that you want to help?  
CA: yeah thats exactly wwhat im sayin  
CA: ivve really changed  
AG: Hmph. I have my dou8ts a8out that!!!!!!!! 8ut we can talk a8out it l8ter. Right now you have to give us coordinates to Her Cond  
ens8tion’s Royal Fl8gship. :::;)  
AG: woah!  
AG: no way! that’s where they’re keeping jade?  
AG: like, is it a really big gunship?  
AG: The 8iggest! It’s as 8ig as a whoooooooole moon and even has an artificially m8intained ocean at the core for the High8loods!  
AG: like the death star!  
AG: Yes, like in your Earth Human Movie! If we successfully r8ided the Imperial Fl8gship, we would go down in history as the gr8test pirates that ever lived!!!!!!!!  
AG: And also we would rescue your 8rood-mate friend or whatever.  
AG: sister, vriska. the word is sister.  
CA: uh so not like im bein monitored all the time or anythin  
CA: or like my time is really short on account of me already bein under suspicion  
CA: and not like i dont got much time to tell you all this important stuff  
CA: but could you maybe havve  
a little fuckin consideration and havve this convversation not in front of me or maybe at a time wwhen my life isnt on the line  
AG: Geeeeeeeeze, touchy!  
AG: You always were so sensitive, Eridan. :::;)  
AG: Fine, just send over those coordin8tes and we’ll work our magic!  
AG: Magic that actually exists for us 8ecause we’re awesome God Tier Heroes unlike some people in this chat!!!!!!  
CA: look ignorin that youre bein a total bitch  
CA: wwhich i wwill do cause im trying to be real civvil and helpful here  
CA: showw you howw ivve turned over a neww reef  
CA: i cant send you the coordinates  
AG: What!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  
AG: Then what were we even talking about????????  
CA: i cant send them too you cause theyd be tracked  
CA: any subspace transfer of information invvolvvin the flagship is automatically tracked  
AG: oh no! ****r / >AG: what’s the plan then?  
AG: vriska and i will help out any way we can!  
CA: look i can take care of gettin harley outta the flagship  
CA: but theres no wway wwere gonna get far on our owwn  
CA: so i need you to meet me at the followwin coordinates instead  
CA: 2345.1237.09879  
AG: right! we’ll be there  
AG: Are you suuuuuuuure you can’t just give us the loc8tion of the Fl8gship?  
AG: it would m8ke things soooooooo much easier.  
CA: yeah right id be culled wwhere i stand  
AG: That’s what I meant. :::;)  
CA: . . .  
AG: Ahahahahahahaha! Just kidding!  
AG: You have three d8ys. The Mindf8ng will 8e there.  
AG: You had 8etter 8e there too!!!!!!!!  
AG: With John’s “sister”!!!!!!!!  
AG: Or we’ll just leave you to rot in sp8ce!!!!!!!!  
CA: wwhy wwould i do somethin so stupid as to forget harley  
AG: I don’t knoooooooow. I just have a hunch that you will fail spetacularly! As usual!  
CA: not this time didnt i tell you about my neww reef  
AG: Oh, whatever. ::::/  
AG: Have a good night Eridaaaaaaaan. Don’t let the Empress 8ite. Ahahahahahahaha.  
AG: (she was just kidding about letting you rot in space, by the way)  
AG: (she won’t really do that)  
AG: John! I wasn’t kidding! If J8de isn’t there I will leave him to die!  
AG (seriously, if something happens i’ll just explain it to her so don’t worry, okay? :) )pan>

  
amillionGalleons [AG] ceased correspondence with cagedAquarium [CA]   


CA: . . .

  


  
so harley wwhat do you think of my plan

was there a plan in there!?!? : /  
i just heard a lot of whining!!!  
if you want my opinion, try being a bit less melodramatic in the future!!! >:B

you wwerent evven listening  
i wwas building narrativve tension

: /  
okaaaaay  
what is the plan?  
you haven’t even told me yet!!  
it’s not like we can just leave!!!

harley dont you havve godlike powwers  
i cant evven believve this is a problem

but  
D:  
i can’t do anything useful if becquerel is so far away.  
and they keep him in the dark :C

i thought of this  
but get you to your lusus or you lusus to you  
and you can get us outta here right

yeah...  
:B  
i�  
�ve been reading the walls. i can see the stars. we’ll be fiiine! :D :D :D

uh sure  
but i mean  
evven in the dark he knowws if you get hurt right  
your lusus

yes but.  
!!!!  
oh!

yeah

!!!!!  
eridan! i didn’t think you had it in you!!! :D

yeah wwell i didn’t  
but ivve turned ovver a new reef

omgg!!!!  
would you stop making that pun over and over again!  
i am getting so sick of it!!!! >:B

sorry  
i-i  
im not as good at the fish puns as fef wwas

what  
ever  
don’t get upset, okay!!! we need to get going fast.  
i wanna see john. :C :C :C

yeah

okay, eridan!  
shoot!!!!!!  
hehehehehe  
literally :DDDDDD

glub

  


 _Somewhere deep within the Imperial Flagship, a demi-god opens its third eye._

 _Becquerel is awake._

  


  



End file.
